buried, not lost
And welcome to the Cosmic Café! Where we articulate truths that we sense, but don’t always know how to name. So last week we explored the Aries topic of Anger, how it is healthy and how we can productively relate with it. And today we are going to explore why and how anger can be taken away or trained out of us.
Interestingly, I don’t think there is anything that makes me quite as angry as someone attempting to diminish someone else’s anger. I feel this so intensely, that I even feel my blood boil when I think about a human training a dog not to bark. We all are born with a very natural ability to assert ourselves; this is why babies are so good at crying! They know when they are uncomfortable, and have zero problems with making that known. And if a caretaker is quick to respond and does so in a loving or even joyful way, then the baby starts to internalize the message that my needs are not a problem. They are not a burden to others, nor do they make me unloveable. BUT if the caregiver has the opposite reaction, the baby will internalize that it is unsafe to have and assert my needs.
And this is just the beginning! Many of us go through life attempting to self-assert and are consistently diminished, dismissed, guilted, redirected or ironically yelled at anytime we are upset.
This happens when our emotions makes others uncomfortable…
and instead of being met, they are managed.
You may have experienced this if you’ve ever been:
– told you’re “too sensitive” when something hurt you
– encouraged to “just let it go” before you’ve even processed it
– praised for being easygoing, agreeable, or low-maintenance
– made to feel guilty for having needs, limits, or strong reactions (maybe that was even tied to religious beliefs)
Over time, the message becomes clear:
your anger is not wanted. and it is inconvenient.
So you begin to disconnect from it.
You override it with logic.
You dilute it with compassion. For example, someone hurts you and you say “or they didn’t mean to” and then you completely dilute your own needs.
You silence just to keep the peace. Because a lot of times when you speak up for yourself, the other person oftentimes can be even more forceful. A bully, for example, they’re allowed to have needs but no one else is, and the one that is the most scary gets to take up the space, right?
And eventually…
like a hunger signal you consistently ignore, you may begin to stop hearing it at altogether.
But here’s the truth:
When your anger is taken, your boundaries go with it.
Your clarity fades. Your “no” weakens.
And ultimately your sense of self becomes negotiable or starts to fade altogether.
You might wonder why you are walking through life feelings like a zombie, but the reality is that when you close out anger, you close out all emotion. We don’t have an internal button that allows us to filter out only specific emotions. If we want the pain to go away, feel overwhelmed or don’t know what to do with it, there is only one button. It’s called NUMB. And if you’re numb, you are numb. So for example, recently, my husband had a cavity taken care of at the dentist, and the numbing procedure went wrong. Well, it worked, actually, a little too well. He didn’t feel any pain during the procedure, but the numbing? It didn’t wear off! The convenience of not feeling pain with the drill, caused him to not be able to taste hid food for months! And obviously this is not a normal situation: he got some bad luck there. But similarly, if we permanently numb or wall off the emotionally painful stuff, we will also not be able to feel the good stuff! We won’t taste the berries, guys!— the hope, the joy, the connection, and the vitality that comes from being fully feeling and alive.
So, if any of this resonates with you and you seek to bring back feeling, you must know that you and your anger was never the problem. We all have a right to feel that natural inner surge that rises when we are being disrespected.
But lest you think reclaiming anger means becoming reactive or harsh.
It actually means becoming honest.
This looks like:
– pausing when something feels off instead of brushing it aside
– letting yourself feel the heat without immediately correcting it
– questioning the people, places or programs that have taught you to stay small
– allowing your “no” to exist without over-explaining it
Although you will no longer be easy to control, this isn't about becoming difficult.
It is about becoming whole.
Your anger was never meant to hurt others, but rather to uphold and protect yourself.
And reclaiming anger is the first step. We also must learn what to do with that anger, ensuring that it serves us and the people who truly care about us. Just to be clear, I am not advocating for unrestrained, anger. It is a passion, and like any other bodily passion it is a valuable power center that must be channeled responsibly.
And when that passion burns wild, though it may be tempting to turn the power center off altogether, I encourage you to keep it on.
May we all strive to stay connected to ourselves. Feel the things that make us feel joy as well as the things that make us feel pain. (insert my spontaneous rant :) ). And with that awareness we can make informed decisions based on the outcomes we desire. And above all else. NEVER allow someone to take away your inborn right to self-assert.
That wraps up memo #12. I hope this message helped to make your life a little more bright and a little more clear! Thanks for tuning in! Until next time!